Time flies!

Wow, it has been forever since I've blogged! I'll try to catch you up! Abby turned 1 on August 7th. It was defnitely a hard day for me. I kept myself busy by doing fun things with my daughters, and reminding myself why I made the decision for Abby to live her life with someone else. I do not regret my decision but there are those time when I wonder what it would be like if she were here, if I had all three of my girls together all of the time. I got a tattoo for Abby the day before her 1st birthday!

I feel a little distant from them right now. It is good to give them their space and me get mine so my heart can heal but at the same time I would love to see her and watch her grow and watch her build a relationship with her sisters. I was supposed to see her on her Birthday but that fell through. She was supposed to come to Jaela's birthday but they decided not to come so it wouldn't be akward(which I understand) I havn't seen her yet. I still have her birthday present sitting in my room waiting for her to open it and it breaks my heart everytime I see that bag. Maybe I will get in contact with them and build our relationship back up to where it was.

As for what is going on with me lately, I have been extremely busy! I enrolled in Medical Assisting school in July. I will be finished with school in February. Because I get done so soon I have to go to school monday through friday which is hard on me and the girls but in the end I know I am bettering our lives.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

Welcome to 2011! Now the journey continues, this year will be full of many emotions, highs, lows and new experiences. Hold on tight and try to enjoy the ride.

I saw little miss Abby on Christmas Eve eve lol. Her and her mom came over to my house for a few hours. This visit was a lot harder than any of my other visits with them and I'm not certain as to why. I'm sure it was a mix of a whole lot of things. Maybe because it was the first time she was at my house, so it kind of made me see that she could've been there with me this whole time, that this would've been her home. I saw her in the environment that she would've been in have I not placed her. It ma also have just been one of those down days... the holidays coming near and me thinking about her not being here with me through the holidays. I think another large part of why it was so hard was because shes getting older. She is starting to do a lot more things than before. She's rolling and laughing and cooing and reacting to her mom, like when I would hold her she always kept an eye on her mom, it became so much more real that S is her mom, not me anymore. I mean I knew it all along and not to sound rude but it kind of felt like a slap in the face. And I know neither Abby or her mom was doing it on purpose or meant to hurt me it just comes with the territory and I know every other birth mother knows what I am feeling.

We all opened presents. S and B got the girls and I christmas jammies and the girls a toy to share lol They got me a necklace, it means a whole lot to me. Its silver with two hearts intertwined. But what meant the most was what the package said. It says something about mother and daughter are never apart despite the distance their connected in the heart. Abby opened her present from me. It was a recordable book from Hallmark. The book was "All the Ways I Love You." It was really cute and I hope as she grows it helps her realize that I love her with everything I have, just like her sisters.

My mom also got see Abby. This was the first time she has seen her since she was born. I could tell my mom wanted to cry, it was hard for her but she enjoyed it. She missed Abby and she fought through the pain and truly enjoyed her time with Abby.

No word yet from Dontay on whether or not he wants to meet her anytime soon. I know everyone is different and he needs time to come around, if he's going to come around at all. Who knows, but for the sake of Abby I hope he decides to be in her life at least somewhat.

Oh WOW!

Sorry I havn't blogged in well FOREVER!! haha. Everything is going really well. I seem to be copping very well so far, I still have my fears that I'm still in denial or something, I'm hoping not though! I've seen Abby quite a bit! I try to see her at least twice a month. She is getting so big! She will be 4 months old on the 7th of December. Her mama tells me that she is trying to roll over! I got her a chrsitmas present already but keeping it a secret haha they will love it though.

Dontay still has not met her or her parents yet. I think he will get to the point to where he can soon, I hope so anyway. That would be an awesome christmas present for Abby and her parents to finally meet him. We will see though.

Other than that nothing much has been going on. OH WAIT! haha She was officially adopted on November 18th. That was the day that the judge signed the adoption papers, her last name is officially theirs and no longer mine. It was a bitter sweet day for sure. But I am so happy for them and for her!

Pictures!!

We have pictures!! you have to click on it to see the whole thing(all the pictures)

No more Respect!

to keep it short, I found out that Dontay was at a kegger with his new girlfriend while I was giving birth... nice right?!

I had my second visit with Abby today! We went to the park! She is getting soo big. Eliza ran off a million and one times lol so I didn't get to hold Abby much but thats ok because at least I got to see her and that made my very shitty day soo much better!! And it was nice to talk to someone about everything as well! I feel like Shana is like my big sister.

Our first mini visit...

Exactly a week after I signed the adoption papers and me and my little girl went to our serperate homes we had our first "visit". It wasn't much of a visit really, I didn't get to hold her much or play/talk to her but even just seeing her was great! We went and got her newborn pictures done. They took a bunch of just her and they were soooo cute! Then they took some of her in her mommy and daddys hands with my hands underneath. That was interesting lol they had Abby naked and I was sitting underneath her while they held her, not to mention she was grunting lol If she would have pooped it would have been on my head!! Then they took some of me and Shana and Abby to show off our bracelets. Finally they took some of just me and Abby, I was really fighting back tears as I held her in my arms again and took those pictures. I can't wait to see how the pictures came out! We are planning another visit here soon so I can get my "Abby fix" as Shana calls it lol.

Now The Journey Really Begins...

Abigail Kaitlin-Marie was born on Saturday August 7th, 2010 at 7:29pm. She was 6lbs 12oz and 20in long. It was a very easy 8 hour long labor. I signed the adoption papers on Monday. It was very hard getting to that point. I was an emotional wreck all day. Everytime I thought I had made up my mind, I would fall back. I think what made it the hardest was the fact that I spend those 2 days alone with her. For some reason I didn't want the family up there which was a total opposite of what I thought I would feel. I don't regret it at all though. Those 2 days alone with her were AMAZING!! I knew in my heart the whole time that the adoption was what I needed to do but my emotions wanted me to keep her. I followed my heart and signed the papers. She is now home with her mommy and daddy. I have talked to them a few times already and she is doing good. I hope to see her soon!!