Oh WOW!

Sorry I havn't blogged in well FOREVER!! haha. Everything is going really well. I seem to be copping very well so far, I still have my fears that I'm still in denial or something, I'm hoping not though! I've seen Abby quite a bit! I try to see her at least twice a month. She is getting so big! She will be 4 months old on the 7th of December. Her mama tells me that she is trying to roll over! I got her a chrsitmas present already but keeping it a secret haha they will love it though.

Dontay still has not met her or her parents yet. I think he will get to the point to where he can soon, I hope so anyway. That would be an awesome christmas present for Abby and her parents to finally meet him. We will see though.

Other than that nothing much has been going on. OH WAIT! haha She was officially adopted on November 18th. That was the day that the judge signed the adoption papers, her last name is officially theirs and no longer mine. It was a bitter sweet day for sure. But I am so happy for them and for her!

Pictures!!

We have pictures!! you have to click on it to see the whole thing(all the pictures)

No more Respect!

to keep it short, I found out that Dontay was at a kegger with his new girlfriend while I was giving birth... nice right?!

I had my second visit with Abby today! We went to the park! She is getting soo big. Eliza ran off a million and one times lol so I didn't get to hold Abby much but thats ok because at least I got to see her and that made my very shitty day soo much better!! And it was nice to talk to someone about everything as well! I feel like Shana is like my big sister.

Our first mini visit...

Exactly a week after I signed the adoption papers and me and my little girl went to our serperate homes we had our first "visit". It wasn't much of a visit really, I didn't get to hold her much or play/talk to her but even just seeing her was great! We went and got her newborn pictures done. They took a bunch of just her and they were soooo cute! Then they took some of her in her mommy and daddys hands with my hands underneath. That was interesting lol they had Abby naked and I was sitting underneath her while they held her, not to mention she was grunting lol If she would have pooped it would have been on my head!! Then they took some of me and Shana and Abby to show off our bracelets. Finally they took some of just me and Abby, I was really fighting back tears as I held her in my arms again and took those pictures. I can't wait to see how the pictures came out! We are planning another visit here soon so I can get my "Abby fix" as Shana calls it lol.

Now The Journey Really Begins...

Abigail Kaitlin-Marie was born on Saturday August 7th, 2010 at 7:29pm. She was 6lbs 12oz and 20in long. It was a very easy 8 hour long labor. I signed the adoption papers on Monday. It was very hard getting to that point. I was an emotional wreck all day. Everytime I thought I had made up my mind, I would fall back. I think what made it the hardest was the fact that I spend those 2 days alone with her. For some reason I didn't want the family up there which was a total opposite of what I thought I would feel. I don't regret it at all though. Those 2 days alone with her were AMAZING!! I knew in my heart the whole time that the adoption was what I needed to do but my emotions wanted me to keep her. I followed my heart and signed the papers. She is now home with her mommy and daddy. I have talked to them a few times already and she is doing good. I hope to see her soon!!

A weight was lifted...

He is no longer going to fight the adoption!!!! Let me share the story!

I was shopping in Walmart with my mom and I found the stroller that I wanted for the girls for really cheap. I wanted the sit n stand double stroller and usually they are like 200 and this one was only 99! So I texted Dontay and said "I found the stroller I want at Walmart for only $99 :) " and about 15 mins later he said "Well I am going to sign off my rights on the baby" he must have thought that I was talking about a stroller for the baby. But I asked him why the sudden change and he told me because he didnt want to put another kid on me. BUT he also said he doesn't want to meet them which hurts really bad. It really kills me that he doesn't want to meet the family that is going to be raising his child. I really hope he comes around!! One prayer answered and now another comes up.

Well I told the family today and she was soo excited! It put a huge smile on my face when I read her response. I know I am going to be giving this couple the most amazing gift ever!!

Meet mommy and daddy to baby girl:

can we say...big mess?!

So i found this AMAZING family! They live in Leo which is only like 10 minutes away from here. They are willing to be totally open with me and wants me to have a relationship with my daughter and wants her to know her sisters. We are going to do an independant adoption.

now for the mess...
Dontay decided to blow up at me at tell me there was no way in hell he was going to allow the adoption and that I needed to get a lawyer because he was then going to fight me for custody! Im sorry but this is a mother loving state so unless he can prove that I am abusive or negelctful of my children, he won't get custody... It will be funny to watch him try though. So we are trying to work with the families adoption specialist and their lawyer to figure out the best way to go about this so we can get the adoption to happen. He is being very selfish and pretty much said that he doesn't care if she would have a better life with them... urgh. I am just praying to God that He has this under control and he is doing what is best. I have no clue how I am going to raise 3 of them on my own if for some reason this adoption doesn't happen. But I am almost done with school and I will start my career and everything will work out...prayers will deff. be appreciated right now!

Thing are startin to roll...

I had my frist meeting with the counselor from the agency that I chose. It was a really good meeting. It was nice that she wasn't pressuring at all we just kind of sat there and talked like old friends. She gave me a lot of really great incite about adoption and how much it could benefit me and my children. We are going to start meeting with some couples. I have three that I really like so I believe once I meet the right couple I will know that adoption is for me.

on to the pregnancy part of this ordeal...

I have starting having contractions. They are not really bad just uncomfortable and a little painful. Mind you I am only like 21 weeks along so now is NOT the time to be having contractions!! I went to the doctor and she wasn't in yesterday so I had to see her nurse practitioner. All she did was labs to make sure I don't have an infection and ordered me to bedrest. If the labs come back normal I have to wait until the 27th to see my doctor!! That is a lot of time to be uncomfortable and having contractions that shouldn't be there. Oh well, I guess we will just wait...

Back in the Swing of things!

So it has been awhile but I have just been taking a break from everything and taking a step back to look everything over from a broader perspective.

I went to the doctor this past Wednesday and found out we are having yet another girl! What luck right?!

I still talk to the Bradley's they have been there to support me and help me through so many things. They understand why we decided to dig a little deeper and see if there is someone out there that better fits us. I have been talking to a counselor through an adoption agency and she has sent me a lot of bios of familes. A few of stuck out but I still havn't taken that big step of meeting any of them. The Bradleys actually suggested a friend of theirs that is looking to adopt. I was on my agency's website when I saw them as featured familes. We have just begun e-mailing eachother and I am looking forward to getting to know them, they even want to meet soon! Which is a little scary but exciting all at the same time. I also e-mailed my counselor through the agency and let her know that I was interested in them and was lead to them through their friend and the family I had previously chosen. Hopefully she can give me a little inside scoop on if she thinks we would be a good match!

Well that's all for now I will try to keep this updated with how this works out!

I'm back...

So I havn't been on here in a while.. I've just been having a hard time with everything lately. We heard from the family that they are planning on moving back to AZ. Me and Dontay discussed it and we would really rather have a family that lives closer so that visits are a little easier. They are still on our list but we are just looking around and reading more profiles and talking to agencies to see if we can't find a family that better suites us.

Dontay brought up the other night that he no longer wants an open adoption. He said he just wants to wipe his hands clean of it after it's dont and not think about it. I'm still going to go with an open adoption and leave the option up to him as to when and if he wants to be in the child's life. Before he was so worried about the child being upset with us for giving it up for a adoption and that it would feel detached and all this other stuff. I think those feelings would be even stronger if we gave it away and wanted nothing else to do with it. At least if we are in it's life it will know that we gave it to a family out of love and that we still care for it, we were just unable to do what needed to be done at the time. He does want to be apart of picking the family though which is good. He wants to make sure that it is in a good home and will be well taken care of. That makes me really happy that I don't have to do that alone. I'm glad he has come around on considering adoption with me!

UPDATE!!!

He agreed to meet them!! I am just waiting to hear back from here about which weekend works best for them! Im really excited and kinda nervous!

bugh...

Those plans might need to be put on hold... but I don't want them to be!!!! I told Dontay today that the family wants to meet us and that we could do it this weekend or the weekend of the 7th. He said IDK Kaitlin we will have to talk about it. I hate this, I really really hate this!!!! When I first got pregnant adoption was imediately in my mind. I let him know this and he assured me that he would be behind me 100% of the way no matter what I chose to do. Now that adoption is becoming a reality in his eyes and he knows I am set on not keeping this baby.. he's backing away. I don't want to do this by myself I want him there next to me supporting me, like he said he would. I may need to move forward with everything by myself, I am getting to the point where I NEED to tell my mom because I know she will stand next to me and I need that right now! He is making me feel horrible about my decision and I know my mom will raise me up. Maybe I will tell her soon, I am just so scared even though I have no reason to be. I guess if he won't go with me to meet the family, my mom will!! ♥

Untitled...

So I am still in contact with the family! I am going to share a little bit about them...
Their names are Stephanie and Jason Bradley. They live in Indianapolis, just two hours away from me. They have an adopted daughter named Maya, they have an open adoption with her birthmother whose name is Kendall, and I have had the pleasure of talking with her too! This family is so special and they hold a place in my heart! I can't wait to meet them in person, that will be the moment I know if this is the right family I'm sure when I meet them it will just "feel right". I have contacted their adoption lawyer so he can discuss with me a little more about independant adoption since they do not go through an agency. I can't wait to tell them they are the ones I choose! They have made an adoption video and I think when I tell them I want them to adopt my baby I am going to make a video also!

On to me...

I really honestly do not feel like this baby is mine. I know in my heart that God has given this gift to me to give to someone who cannot have children otherwise. Both me and God know that I am not capable of caring for this baby. I have read so many adoption stories and it has given me light that adoption is the right thing for me. I listen to this scripture lullaby cd everyday. I love it. It lets me know that God is here for me and supports me and is giving me the strength to do what needs to be none... He will never leave me! (Hebrews 13:5). I would love to start going to church again and feel the grace of God every week, as I am surrounded by people who love and care for me.

The baby's father is coming over for a few days starting tonight. He says we need to talk about so many things, and I agree. I really hope this baby is on his list of things to talk about. I hope he has come around and has realized that adoption is the best option!


Adoption...

I know this adoption will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do. I can't begin to imagine the greif I will feel as I leave the hospital empty handed. I know it will get better over time and my daughters will be here with me to make me smile!! I have been looking for support around where I live so I can prepare and have support after it is born. I watched Teen Mom and saw Catelynn go on a birth mother retreat, and I hope that is something I will get to do! The adoption will be especially hard if this baby is a boy because me and the baby's father have both dreamed of having a boy. It will be a harder fight but no matter the sex, adoption will be the best choice.

Taking Baby Steps!

So the family got in contact with me! I was so excited! I have been talking to them almost everyday since. They are truely amazing people. They have such a wonderful relationship with the birthmother of their daughter Maya. I have even been talking to Maya's birthmother too which is really great. It is awesome to hear her talk so highly of this family. I also met a girl named Courtney. We talk a lot also. She has really help me become at ease with my decision!

My boyfriend on the other hand isn't having such a good experience with everything. He says he feels shameful about it and that he is a bad father because he can't care for his child. I mean I would love to keep the baby, but I know there is no way that is possible. He just needs to realize that with an open adoption and with them living so close, we are going to be a huge part in it's life! We are doing what is best for this child by giving it a life that we can't give it! I just hope he comes around soon!

Back to the family...haha
I really feel like these are the people I want to adopt my child! I stare at their blog and their video multiple times a day! They are sooo wonderful! I can't wait to get to know them better and meet them in person!

The Beginning

Okay! I am new to this whole blogging thing, but I felt that it is important to share my story and get my thoughts out. I also believe after everything is over, blogging will be a good healing thing for me.

I just found out yesterday that I am deffinately pregnant. I have thought that I am for a little while now because of the constant nausia and not being able to eat...
I am pretty sure that adoption is the way to go for us right now. We currently have two other children, Eliza 2, and Jaela 5 months. I honestly do not feel it is possible to care for three children at this point in my life.

I have been looking at families for the past 2 weeks or so. I have looked at endless amounts of profiles but no one has seemed just right.. excpet for one which I found today. I am not going to share their names or information right now as I have not heard anything from them but my fingers are crossed. I need to get to know them a lot better before I make my decision but when I read their blog and watched their adoption video, I fell in love!

Now for my expectations of adoption...

We really want a totally open adoption. I want to be a major part in it's life. I have read a lot of adoption stories and I love reading the ones where the adoptive parents say that the birthparents have become like and extended family. I really like that. I want to two families to come together and share their love for this baby. It isn't that we don't want it, it's that we cannot possibly take care of it right now. I would love to find a family early on so that I can share the joys of pregnancy with the adoptive parents.

I am going to need so much support through all of this. I know I have my other children and my boyfriend standing behind me and that is wonderful! I have found a few people who have put their children up for adoption and I love talking to them. They have helped me realize that I am making the best decision. They have also helped me realize that this is going to be the hardest thing that I will ever have to do, but it is for the best!

That is about it for now, I plan on keeping this updated throughout the pregnancy and adoption process!